Today is the 5th anniversary of losing a friend and mentor. Toward the end of her life, we interacted far less than when we shared a wall in the office.

When we worked together, it was a quiet joy of the job to share our morning coffee and catch up, touch base on the day ahead, and talk theology. I don’t remember if she was technically my manager or not, but she was the one who first held me professionally accountable—something my ~20-year-old self needed. We ate many (most?) lunches together.

One thing I know about myself now is that I suffer from that ADHD trait where I forget about close friends. When I’m not around someone, I do “forget”. I don’t reach out. I don’t touch base. But they mean the world to me. Michelle fell into that group after our paths took us on different directions, so I try now to remember her on her heavenly birthday, even if it’s painful.

I shared this shortly after her death:

Suicide is such a tear in the fabric of humanity. Death is often hard to process. Suicide is a whole other level. As many of us knew Michelle in her role as a mentor, a counselor, a spiritual director, it can be even harder to process. How can the woman who helped us live better and focus on the goodness of life fall victim to such a deep darkness?

Depression is a horrible illness. So many in pastoral and counseling work are themselves wounded healers. It’s often what makes us able to emphasize with other—we know the struggle. We’re the people that jump in the hole with you because we’ve been there before. We often continue to struggle even as we help others.

I don’t know Michelle’s story. I don’t know if there was a current under the surface of a struggle we’ll never know or if it developed later. I do know the feeling of putting yourself out there to help others while needing help yourself. I know the fear and paralysis that can grip you during a dark time, even while looking successful to almost everyone (I was there in early 2020 after the death of my niece). The sad irony is Michelle was the one to recommend the first step I could take which ended being the step I needed to take to find healing.

Needing mental healthcare is normal. If you or someone you know feels trapped in some type of darkness you can’t explain or can’t shake, find a mental health professional. If you don’t have one and find yourself thinking at all about ending it, call or text 988 anytime.

Requiescat in pace.