If you’re unaware, it was announced that I was running low on Velveeta. After receiving the initial reports on Twitter, my Rapid Response Team took immediate action to confirm the reports. After a thorough investigation that involved multiple locations in the kitchen and the laundry room—in the event of a misplaced box in the freezer—it was confirmed there was an absolute shortage of Velveeta on the premises.
I deployed my specially-trained Velveeta Acquisition Squad to the HEB grocery store. This team practices daily on the art and skill of rapid Velveeta purchase. Thanks to the kind assistance of the managers and crew, we were relieved to find this:
The Squad purchased sufficient supplies for the next few months and returned to the house.
With that, I am happy to report that the Velveeta shortage has been resolved. Queso will be free-flowing at La Casa de Kraft during the award and Super Bowl season.
While grateful the situation is resolved, it should be noted that the SCR (Strategic Cheese Reserve) exists and could be tapped during such a national emergency. While there is only one cheese superpower remaining, the SCR is always available and ready for use.
Lastly, in the event of a true emergency, I am prepared to share with you the recipe for the successor to Velveeta, as developed by @IAmSpilly:
FOODTIP: In case of Velveeta shortage, make your own by melting a traffic cone and gluestick in a saucepan. Bring to boil and cover.
— The Malört Cloud (@IAmSpilly) January 9, 2014
Disclaimer: Obviously, this is a spoof. It’s sarcasm. It is a poor attempt at being witty. If you’re still confused on what’s going on, I’m a random guy who is making fun that people reference me on Twitter for the food company. I’m not the food company. Got nothing to do with them. They make great food. I eat it. I eat too much of it. Featured image photocredit SouthernFairyTale.